Driving

It took me a long time to learn how to drive. I had my first driving lessons seven years ago when I was a college freshman. After my lessons, my father gave me a simple driving test. I was handling myself pretty well in the course of the test, but then he asked me to do a simple u-turn. To this day, I still don’t know what I was thinking, and why I did it: I was going full speed and did a sharp turn not unlike the way Formula One legend Michael Schumacher handles his Ferrari in the challenging Imola track of the San Marino Grand Prix. But unlike Schumacher who gets applauded every time he conquers a difficult turn, or whenever he overtakes an opponent in dramatic fashion, I got berated because of what my father described as “dangerous and reckless driving”.

After that incident I took a long hiatus from driving. Even though my father got a new car, I didn’t get to drive his old one and it gathered dust in our garage for sometime. It took me a few years to get my confidence back. But when I finally did, and by the time I sidled behind the wheel of our old ’95 Corolla, there was no turning back.

I should say that I’m a pretty good driver now. Sure, I’ve given the car its fair share of scratches and scrapes, but nothing more. I’m proud to say that I haven’t dented it yet, and it’s been a very long time since it was scratched with me behind the wheel.

Sometimes I wish we could just handle life the way we handle a car. When you drive, you have control of every twist and turn of the steering wheel. Go too fast, and all you need to do is step on the brakes. When you’re bored, you can always turn on the radio. When it’s warm, you have air conditioning. To get back at a delinquent jeepney or taxi driver, all you need to do is get your horn a-blaring.

But we don’t have control over our lives. Sometimes we can’t just grab the steering wheel and go wherever we want to go. Oftentimes we’re just mere commuters instead of drivers. All we can do is wait until we get to our destination.

I’m pretty sure my Tita Lilian doesn’t know how to drive. Sometimes her son would drive her from their home in Bulacan to our house in Marikina, but most of the time she just relied on public transportation in the form of a bus or a jeepney.

That was many years ago when she was still healthy and strong. That was the time when she wasn’t weakened by diabetes. Now she cannot do that, at a relatively young age of 60. In fact, only a few weeks ago she was diagnosed with leukemia. As I write this she is still bedridden in the Intensive Care Unit of St. Luke’s hospital. But I heard that she’s responding to the medication, and that she’s feeling a little better now. This is the best news we’ve heard since she was diagnosed. There came a point when the doctor said she could go anytime.

I know if we had our own way, our family and other close relatives would have wanted to steer our Tita Lilian away from serious illnesses like diabetes or leukemia. But as I’ve said, we don’t have control over our lives and the lives of others.

In a few days I’ll be leaving for Manila. Originally I had planned to go there for the birthday of another aunt. Now it seems I can’t prepare myself enough to see the grief and sadness on my relatives’ faces.

Anyway, perhaps when I get back from Manila, I’ll have my license—which will expire next month-- renewed. Or maybe not. Gas prices today are through the roof. Better to take the jeepney.